I didn't know much about this Jesus Guy everyone was so crazy about. I am just a regular Shepard. I tend to my flock, come into town to get a meal, maybe buy some garb, nothing exciting. But today was a different day from the moment I left my home.
I could see the commotion in town from far away, crowds were gathered all around. I couldn't make the connection to what they were so concerned about until I got closer. That's when I first heard the name, Jesus.
I had heard of him before on my previous visits to town, some teacher or holy man or something, I wasn't too sure. I never concerned myself with any of that anyway. I thought though if this celebrity were in town I might as well try to see what all of the commotion.
I heard a few people say "I heard he's coming to this house!" so I thought I would go try and get a good spot before the rest of the town heard of his whereabouts.
That's when I first saw him, he walked in and light filled the room. Crowds followed him into this small house and I was finally able to see the reason why he was so popular. The words he spoke came like silk off his tongue. I could tell the things he was saying were pure truth.
The crowds grew and grew until there was no more room in the house we were in. I could see people at the door reaching and trying to hear what Jesus was saying. Then the craziest thing happened, the roof started to fall in.
I thought it was just a bad roof and the rainwater had gotten to it but then I started to see hands digging it out. Before I knew it the whole was large enough to fit a person through, and apparently, that was its intended use. A man was beginning to be lowered down into the room right next to Jesus. This man looked very sick, I remembered people saying Jesus was also a healer so I thought maybe that was the case. Just as I thought it Jesus began to speak to him, and the man who couldn't move before took his mat, got up, and walked out.
I had never seen miracles like this before, and I knew that after this day I would consider myself a follower of Jesus Christ.
Hi! Let me just start by saying I love the original story that you based your post off of, so it was really fun for me to read this rendition! Now to the feedback:
ReplyDeleteWOW: There were multiple times in your story that I said "wow" and really connected with what you wrote. I loved when you said "The words he spoke came like silk off his tongue." This is something that I loved envisioning and it made Jesus seem so engaging, which I imagine he was. Another wow moment was when you talked about light filling the room that Jesus walked into. I think this statement is cool because although it sounds like just something you might say, I like to think that light actually filled the room when Jesus walked in.
I Wonder: Something I wondered about was what happened after the end of the story? I liked the ending, but I always find myself wishing I could be in the story to know what happened after it ended.
What if: What if you placed your blog image in the middle of your post right after talking about the hole in the ceiling? This could give readers a really clear visual of what it might have looked like.
Again, I really enjoyed reading this post!
Hi Ryan,
ReplyDeleteGreat story! I really liked reading it from the viewpoint of a regular Shepard. I think most people can connect the best from this viewpoint.
While I read the story, something that I wondered was how Jesus filled the room with light when he walked in? Was there literal light, like a glow, radiating from his body? Or was it a metaphorical light and a certain energy that he was giving off? Also, I think it would help if there was extra detail on how his words came off like silk off the tongue. Lastly, how could the Shepard tell that what he was saying was pure truth?
One way in which I think the story could be improved is to keep the Shepard skeptical of Jesus until he heals the man at the end of the story. It seems like the Shepard relaxes his skepticism right when Jesus walks in the room and before showing what he's capable of.
Hello! I have to say, your comment about Jesus's words coming out like silk was really well spoken. That was a great line, and it sounded like something I would read out of a full length novel, or something along those lines. Overall, I really liked this story. I've always wondered what it would be like to see the things that Jesus did and said when he walked this earth, if that is something you believe in, of course. Like Ryan, I was also wondering about the light filling the room! I think with a little more detail added to that specific scene, you could have improved it greatly by explaining where the light came from and if he was bringing it himself. You didn't include ay dialogue and I wonder if that was for a specific reason or just the way the story was told. We are still at the beginning of the semester, so we have a lot of time to improve on our storytelling. Well done!!
ReplyDeleteHi Ryan,
ReplyDeleteI loved what you did with this story! It was very powerful at the ending with how you made the shepherd turn from doubter to believer. I wish the shepherd had a better reason for going to the house besides just because. Like perhaps making a sheep run off and the shepherd following it to the house instead; or a friend brining the shepherd to the house. You could also add more detail about the shepherd in general! It would be cool to get a visual on what he looked like and how he interacted with people with details. I liked that you kept the inner monologue and that's how to story was told, through his thoughts. I do think you added some wonderful details as well in your story! You gave a good picture for the reader with the house scene in the story. You described the crowd, Jesus, and the setting very well.
Hey Ryan!
ReplyDeleteI really like the perspective of a random onlooker telling one of the stories of Jesus. It reminds me of how Monty Python did a whole movie about a guy named Brian who lived during the time of Jesus and tells the story from his perspective (although, since it's Monty Python, it's a comedy and might come off as blasphemous to Christians). I think there were a lot of great details included in the story but I would've loved more! Like some other commenters above, I think clarification about the light filling the room would've helped, and maybe some more information about what the man did after this encounter.
I also agree with Daniel's suggestion that the story would be more interesting if the man's skepticism didn't shift until the very end. It felt like the climax came too early in the story, so all the tension was gone as the miracle was happening. Overall, I think this is a really interesting approach to this story and did a good job of describing all the characters and the setting!
Hey Ryan,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story. I think that taking an outside perspective on this was a great choice because the stories are typically only told from one or two perspectives and I know I wonder what the others in the room may be thinking. Your story was not too long, it really got the point across and had a lot of detail which makes the story more interesting. While I was reading the story, I had a question in the back of my head, what was your main characters backstory? I know he was a regular Shepard but did he go with other people to the town or speak about these miracles with others? Also, at the end of the story, did he get to talk to Jesus and understand more of what he did and why he would want to follow him?
I agree with the comments above about maybe changing the position of the climax in your story, I feel like with these awesome miracles, there could be more description and intensity leading up to the miracle of the healing.
Overall, your story was good and I think with a little more description and more fluff, you can make this story even better. Great Job!
Hello! I loved the way you told your story! It was from the perspective of a commoner at that time. It was told from a person looking back and telling their side of the story. I also love how you described several scenes in your story! At one point you said that when he walked in that light filled the room and I can just picture that in my mind! You also said that, “The words he spoke came like silk off his tongue”, which I thought was beautifully written. I wonder why this person went to town that day. I know what pulled him to Jesus but what got him into the city. Also why did you choose to make the main character a shepherd? Was it to make it seem like the main character was even more normal? I always wondered what it was like for people in those times who saw Jesus and believed. I wondered what made them do such and I feel it is often something like this. A miracle that added truth to the words that were spoken!
ReplyDeleteHi Ryan! I love the personality and dialect of this character. He is so indifferent at first and his curiosity builds with the reader's. He goes from saying he "might as well try to see" Jesus to feeling deeply attached to him. By the end of the story, you can already see so much character development in him.
ReplyDeleteDid you consider any direct interaction with the shepherd and Jesus? I do love where the story ends, but it could be interesting to see the shepherd having doubts (because he only saw one miracle) and wanting to talk to Jesus himself.
One thing I'm confused by is the significance of the roof falling in. I feel like it takes away from the story and main focus, so maybe that part could be shortened? Either way, I thought this was a great re-telling and I enjoyed it a lot! Great job!